Is there anything more demoralizing...

…than looking for a job? I had an unscheduled phone interview today—the resume I sent by email was received, and the hiring manager called me late this afternoon to talk. She offered to schedule it for a later time, but I figured I might as well get it over with.

Of course, that was before she asked me why I left my last job. And I choked. I need to work on exactly what I will say to answer that question, but today I just wasn’t prepared. First I said “I wanted to find something else”, but since this job is in the same field as my last job, I couldn’t say that I wanted to do something different, which is what I plan to say for non-HR jobs. And then I got nervous and just kept talking while the voice in my head said to shut up! shut up right now!, and then she started to ask me some very direct questions, and pretty soon I’d said way more than I meant to. Damn it.

Eventually I said that I didn’t think I was explaining the situation very well, and she suggested we move on. I thought it was a good sign that she didn’t hang up on me right then (I could almost hear her putting a big red X through my name), but went on to ask me questions about my computer skills and the challenges of working in HR.

I was also given a small gift, in that she put me on hold for about three minutes (when she came back, she said that her boss sometimes walks into her office and just starts talking), and while I was on hold I frantically wrote down what I thought might help my case a little, which was, “I don’t want to say anything negative about the company, but there were some things going on in the upper management that frustrated me, and I decided that it was a good time to go….” When she came back on the line, I asked if I could clarify my earlier statements, and we talked about it a little more. She said that if she decides to interview me, she’s going to want to hear more about the situation. Great.

We talked for about half an hour (only a generous third of it devoted to why I left), and then she told me she’ll be making calls for interviews by Tuesday at the latest, and I should hear either way by then. I don’t necessarily expect an interview, but I’m okay either way.

It was a tough phone interview. I’ve had a few before, and usually they’re just looking for whether you can speak in complete sentences and whether you actually read the job ad. But here, there were no getting to know you questions, no easy “tell me about your duties at your last job” softballs. She asked very pointed questions. I think I did okay except for that first big one. I just don’t think very fast on my feet when I’m nervous.

Honestly, I don’t know if I’m ready for another job. It’s a little like I just got divorced, and I have to find someone else to marry in the next three months before my money runs out. No mourning period, no reflection, no sympathy—just go, go, go! But I’m afraid of getting hurt again. I started to cry (just a little) after I got off the phone today. Does that sound like a healthy employee who’s ready for the work force?

You know what’s not fair? I did nothing wrong at my last job, but I’m the one who has to lie/creatively stretch the truth about why I left, so I don’t alarm potential employers like I did today. Not only did they take away my old job, but they are making it harder for me to get a new job.

That’s why tomorrow I am finding a counselor. Someone who will help me phrase answers to the tough questions, and help me recognize again that I am a capable person.

Now would be a very good time for my book deal to come through, meaning that I don’t have to get another job in another office, but that would require: a) that I write a book, and/or b) that I find a publisher willing to advance me to write a book.

Don’t worry, readers, today is just a dark day. They come and go; the signs are usually wearing my sweatpants and watching TV/playing computer games all day (check, and check). I know I’ll come out of this okay, and that someday this will be a funny story, but in the meantime I’m not having any fun!

Tomorrow my college roommate and her boyfriend are coming to stay. I’m sure their visit will cheer me up (no pressure, R!), and it also gives me the needed push to finally clean the house in anticipation of their arrival.